Thank you for writing this, Katie. It is the first article I’ve read where someone publicly talks about going through IVF and not “getting the baby.”. I lived a very similar story. It has been 6 years for me since we decided we were done with trying. And you are so right about the impossible nature of “choosing” to be done. Inherently there is this blame that the couple did not try enough or manifest or pray or do EVERYTHING to succeed. I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions including - where are all of the failed IVF people? I knew they were out there too, but were hidden from view - out of shame, grief, and despair. I thank you for writing this. I’ve been waiting a long time to read it.
Thank you so much for reading and your thoughtful comment Jennifer. I think there’s a Brene Brown quote along the line of ‘shame dies when stories are told in safe places’, or something like that. Thank you for making this a safe place. I hope we continue to open up this discourse so the people can hear these stories when they need them! x
This is absolutely gorgeous Katie. I felt a bit teary reading it! I could so relate to that mindset shift of needing to ‘let go’ in order to usher in new hopes and dreams. That is a brutal transition but I’ve found so much to be grateful for on the other side of it and I’m so happy to hear you have to ❤️
Thank you for your kind words Nadia, I’m so glad you related to it.
It is a brutal transition, but I often remind myself, motherhood also is, for many! There is a lot to be grateful for once we make it though, it’s these stories we need more of right? x
I couldn't agree more. I would not be where I am today without other women being brave enough to share their stories, it's made me feel so much less alone xxx
49 and could have written a large part of this myself, back when I was 43 and ended my fertility journey.
In the end you can make a life without the kids you wanted, just as full and joyful as you want! There will be grief and even years later it will surface but if you acknowledge and move through it, you only get wiser. And more loving of yourself and others.
No kids means so much glorious time to do anything or nothing! And I cherish every second of it.
This was so lovely. I so appreciate the thoughtfulness and tenderness you harnessed for yourself. It’s really beautiful and I appreciate you sharing. Thank you.
I’m a year post the choice to stop and while it’s bound up in sadness, it’s also full of hope, and fun, and creativity, and friendship and potential. Wishing you the best for the road ahead xx
Thank you for sharing this - it’s beautiful. Last year I had surgery that means I can never carry a child. I’ve found it challenging that conversations around “infertility” are often predicated on it being a temporary state before you have your longed-for child, which it never will be for me. Your story of parenting and birthing yourself resonates so much, and is something I will be reflecting on for a while.
Thank you Jodie and im sorry for the challenges you’ve experienced. I’m so glad you found some meaning in my words. I couldn’t agree more with the rhetoric that infertility is a temporary thing one endures before the long awaited ‘happy ending’, in the form of a child. It’s completely inaccurate and I find it infuriating at times!
You have written something so brave and necessary - I wish I could have read this a few years ago when I was in a similar place. Your journey will resonate with so many women. Thank you for writing it!
This is a beautiful way to honor how complicated a fertility journey is and the narrative “just do IVf” is complicated because it a) assumes every IVF journey will work and B) assumes that if you apply a “work harder” mentality you can bend the outcome to “success” but it ignores the very real and very complicated emotions in building a family and that there are so many types of “success” in this case, walking away on your terms when it don’t feel right and creating a family worth a beautiful fur baby seems like you’ve built a pretty amazing life
I just want to say how much I appreciate your Substack! I am in the process of deciding how long do we keep going with the IVF journey. So much of what you write feels like it's directly from my mind (but far more eloquently than I can articulate)! I can't tell you how helpful and reassuring your words are. Thank you!
Thanks Amy, that makes me SO happy that you relate to so much, and that you feel reassured! It’s the hardest thing making that choice, especially because hardly anyone talks about it!
Thank you for writing this, Katie. It is the first article I’ve read where someone publicly talks about going through IVF and not “getting the baby.”. I lived a very similar story. It has been 6 years for me since we decided we were done with trying. And you are so right about the impossible nature of “choosing” to be done. Inherently there is this blame that the couple did not try enough or manifest or pray or do EVERYTHING to succeed. I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions including - where are all of the failed IVF people? I knew they were out there too, but were hidden from view - out of shame, grief, and despair. I thank you for writing this. I’ve been waiting a long time to read it.
Thank you so much for reading and your thoughtful comment Jennifer. I think there’s a Brene Brown quote along the line of ‘shame dies when stories are told in safe places’, or something like that. Thank you for making this a safe place. I hope we continue to open up this discourse so the people can hear these stories when they need them! x
Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is eerily similar, but I'm still in the throes of it all. I can't wait to dive into more of your work.
Thanks Kelly, I’m so sorry you’re in the trenches with it! Whatever happens, there is goodness on the other side :)
This is absolutely gorgeous Katie. I felt a bit teary reading it! I could so relate to that mindset shift of needing to ‘let go’ in order to usher in new hopes and dreams. That is a brutal transition but I’ve found so much to be grateful for on the other side of it and I’m so happy to hear you have to ❤️
Thank you for your kind words Nadia, I’m so glad you related to it.
It is a brutal transition, but I often remind myself, motherhood also is, for many! There is a lot to be grateful for once we make it though, it’s these stories we need more of right? x
I couldn't agree more. I would not be where I am today without other women being brave enough to share their stories, it's made me feel so much less alone xxx
49 and could have written a large part of this myself, back when I was 43 and ended my fertility journey.
In the end you can make a life without the kids you wanted, just as full and joyful as you want! There will be grief and even years later it will surface but if you acknowledge and move through it, you only get wiser. And more loving of yourself and others.
No kids means so much glorious time to do anything or nothing! And I cherish every second of it.
This was so lovely. I so appreciate the thoughtfulness and tenderness you harnessed for yourself. It’s really beautiful and I appreciate you sharing. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and your kind words Staci x
Katie the DOG 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m a year post the choice to stop and while it’s bound up in sadness, it’s also full of hope, and fun, and creativity, and friendship and potential. Wishing you the best for the road ahead xx
Thank you for sharing a story that doesn't get enough air space in our culture. You captured it so beautifully.
ps where is the "cup and soul-filling location"? looks like perfection
Thank you Kendall! The pic is a little island off the coast of Bali :)
Thank you for sharing this - it’s beautiful. Last year I had surgery that means I can never carry a child. I’ve found it challenging that conversations around “infertility” are often predicated on it being a temporary state before you have your longed-for child, which it never will be for me. Your story of parenting and birthing yourself resonates so much, and is something I will be reflecting on for a while.
Thank you Jodie and im sorry for the challenges you’ve experienced. I’m so glad you found some meaning in my words. I couldn’t agree more with the rhetoric that infertility is a temporary thing one endures before the long awaited ‘happy ending’, in the form of a child. It’s completely inaccurate and I find it infuriating at times!
Thank you for sharing this x
You have written something so brave and necessary - I wish I could have read this a few years ago when I was in a similar place. Your journey will resonate with so many women. Thank you for writing it!
Thank you Ariel 🧡 I also wish I could have read something like this a few years ago!
This is so beautiful Katie, I love that you are giving a voice to this outcome too 💖 xxx
Oh my heart. This captivated me (it's been sat in my inbox for a few days until I could read with with a cuppa).
It seems sort of fitting that it's been 9 months ...
And - you also have a blue eyed wonder. My new(ish) boy has one blue eye too. :-)
Thanks Ali :) ohhh the blue eyes wonders are just the best 🤍🐶🖤🩵
This is a beautiful way to honor how complicated a fertility journey is and the narrative “just do IVf” is complicated because it a) assumes every IVF journey will work and B) assumes that if you apply a “work harder” mentality you can bend the outcome to “success” but it ignores the very real and very complicated emotions in building a family and that there are so many types of “success” in this case, walking away on your terms when it don’t feel right and creating a family worth a beautiful fur baby seems like you’ve built a pretty amazing life
Couldn’t agree with all of this more Julia! X
Really beautifully written. I think in the midst of these huge decisions we lose ourselves and it’s sad. Your future sounds lovely!
I just want to say how much I appreciate your Substack! I am in the process of deciding how long do we keep going with the IVF journey. So much of what you write feels like it's directly from my mind (but far more eloquently than I can articulate)! I can't tell you how helpful and reassuring your words are. Thank you!
Thanks Amy, that makes me SO happy that you relate to so much, and that you feel reassured! It’s the hardest thing making that choice, especially because hardly anyone talks about it!
Nurturing and parenting yourself through the next chapter is just so beautiful Katie. I loved it. Thank you! x