Rituals and celebrations beyond the traditional life blueprint

From someone who has been married, divorced, re-partnered (but unmarried) and recently left fertility treatment with no rainbow baby.

Photo by Shamblen Studios on Unsplash

In the western world we’re pretty unimaginative and still boringly traditional when it comes to recognising and celebrating the big moments in adult life. Well, beyond those traditional markers that society has told us denote success and life progress: engagements, marriage, baby showers, baptisms, baby’s 1st birthdays… the good ol’ escalator of life.

These are all wonderful things to celebrate, but also, it’s 2024 and that western culture has not yet evolved to celebrate other significant life events I find to be wildly uninteresting, and quite out of step with reality.

Consider this:

• More people than ever are living alone (one person households make up about 1/4 of all homes in Australia, I’m sure its quite similar in the UK and US).

• About 1/3 of families in Australia are couple only families.

• Nearly 1 in 5 women over 40 don’t have children.

• A significant proportion of Gen Z women don’t want to have kids.

Birth rates are falling, and more and more women and couples are not having kids and prioritising living meaningful lives in a multitude of different ways than the script we were given. These people in society who are putting their energy and passions into things other than kids, whether that be the villages around them, their work, their communities, bettering themselves, or just following whatever it is that makes them friggin happy, all have unique stories and achievements that are deserving of rituals and celebrations.

Despite the fact that I once had a wedding, and I did try (and failed) to have a child, (which I’ve written about in previous posts) I’ve always found the routine celebrations around the traditional life script events a bit uncomfortable and the focus they garner to be minimising, especially to women (in spite of being on this well trodden escalator at various stages of my life and being at the centre of such events myself a few times!)

I can identify now where these feelings of discomfort came from.

In celebrating these milestones we are celebrating the result of patriarchal constructs that have been pushed upon us from birth. Women should marry, take on a man’s name, bring children into the world, look after the household - all things that have created the gender gap that feminism has been trying to close for decades. All these events celebrate the patriarchy, and females worth in relation to men.

Not to say I’m not happy to celebrate others happiness, and these joyful moments, I always am (ok, maybe aside from baby showers during the infertility years, and engagements or weddings in the divorce years!). I love love, I share my life with a man I love and I have kids in my life who I love - but we need to widen the spectrum of life events we consider worthy of celebrating and building rituals around, beyond those that tie a women’s worth to a man.

It is these same patriarchal constructs and questioning of beliefs that had me tied up in knots for years trying to determine if I really, truly, deeply in my soul of souls wanted children, or if I wanted them because it’s what society had told me I should do, and what I saw commonly marked with rituals and celebrations.

So why are these traditional markers of life progress still taking up the lion’s share of social and family get togethers, celebrations and rituals? It seems that enough people are now living outside of the norm, and it’s about time society caught up. So because change starts at home or whatever that saying is, here are some things that I have celebrated, or vow to celebrate, on behalf of myself or others going forward:

1. Leaving shitty relationships!

Instead of saying ‘I’m so sorry’ when you hear of someone going through a split, if the mood is right, tell them congratulations! Making a decision to end a relationship is huge, it takes courage and is scary, but with it comes the possibility of new futures.

I went through a separation in my early 30’s, after the first chapter of my fertility struggles, when most of the people close to me were having their first babies. I received so much sympathy but the stand out response was from my Mum’s friend and neighbour. “Good on her, that is GREAT! Good on her for getting out of something that made her unhappy!”, I was told she’d said. Yeh, good on me!! It was the only positive, celebratory comment I can remember that made me feel good about my situation.

So I vow to throw a divorce/separation/split party for anyone in my circle who happens to go through this in the future (when the tone and mood is right, of course, and with their consent!)

2. Ending fertility treatments without a baby, and starting a new chapter of life

Another one close to home for me. For those going through it, which is a lot more than you would think, and certainly way more than you hear from, this is a monumentally significant moment. Making this decision is empowering, is not talked about enough (or even presented as a possible ‘outcome’) and one that the commercial IVF clinics certainly offer no support around - making it even more worthy of recognition and celebration when the choice is made.

After and alongside the grief, there is the freedom to plan for a future that maybe wasn’t the one that was wanted, but is exciting and hopeful just the same. That my friends, should be celebrated wildly.

3. Physical achievements

Have a friend that finished their first marathon? Their 10th marathon? Their first 5k? Competed in their first disc golf competition (my partner, just sayin’). Throw them a party! Take them out for a drink! Physical achievements like this take resilience, focus, mental fortitude, dedication, and a shit load of discipline over a long period of time.

A friend of mine who also has been through a heap of IVF and fertility treatments that didn’t result in a baby, is an epic runner and has participated in all kinds of endurance events. She was telling me how lots of women in her office have announced pregnancies lately or commenced maternity leave, and as you’d expect, as is the case in most workplaces, are met with celebrations and morning teas. She competed in a mammoth overnight running event, and was not met with any recognition or celebration of her amazing achievement.

4. Getting promotions, getting a new job or starting a hustle

We tend to be ‘ok’ at celebrating new jobs, especially those that necessitate a move interstate or overseas. There are greeting cards for new jobs, at least! A very good friend of mine lives in Alaska and works in an absolute boss of a job. She’s killing it. She’s also unmarried and has no kids. We celebrated the hell out of her when she moved for the job, and we continue to whenever she’s back home visiting. I love that for her and us.

But let’s also celebrate job promotions that don’t require a move away. A promotion at the same company. Leaving a traditional career to build a business, do something creative. Starting a side hustle. All these things celebrate a women’s independence, personal growth, and financial gains, all hugely important and wonderful things to celebrate that have nothing to do with her proximity to a man.

5. Taking a sabbatical from work

Taking extended time off work or a sabbatical is such a significant life moment. To do so takes a lot of planning, commitment, sacrifice and budgeting to be able to support yourself financially for a period of time (unless you are lucky or wise enough to have accrued long service leave… I however am a typical millennial with my longest tenure being 7 years at one employer, which was at least a year too long).

They are often taken to travel, pursue other goals or projects, or just take a breather. All really momentous things that are worthwhile giving recognition to.

A close friend of mine took 6 months off work last year in between jobs. She didn’t have a partner at home to pay the mortgage and bills, doing it all on her own - what an absolute queen! In addition to taking some epic trips, she spent a good deal of this free time playing a role in the village of the families around her I might add. How worthy of celebration is that? Take that JD Vance and the rest of the conservative far right with their bigoted and misogynistic attitudes towards childless women.

I asked some friends what it was about their engagement parties, weddings, and baby showers that made them special or meaningful. Interestingly, none of them said anything like marrying the love of my life, or anything specific to welcoming a new baby. The common thread in all their answers was the people closest to them showing up for them, celebrating them, and going out of their way to make the events memorable and personal. All wonderful things, yet why do we reserve showing up in this way for the traditional milestones?

What else do you think we need to celebrate? Leaving a shitty job, entering peri-menopause, the start of menopause are some others I’m going to add to my list.

Once you start thinking beyond the traditional markers it’s easy to think of things to celebrate that make this weird and wonderful life journey what it is, and represent the diverse experiences, moments and paths that we are all on, beyond those that tie a women’s worth to her relationship to a man.