When fertility experts promise too much
How the fertility industry uses guilt, self blame and emotional manipulation to prey on our hope.
Afterglow is about embracing the joys of a life that maybe didn't go as planned, and how leaving fertility treatments without a baby is still a happy ending. I also write about rethinking the fertility experience and treatment narrative.
When you’re on the wild ride that is infertility or trying to conceive, navigating what feels like endless treatments, appointments and a pursuit of all manner of endeavours to improve your chances, it doesn’t take long to stumble across a business or service provider trying to take advantage of your vulnerability. It might be subtle, perhaps innocent, and they might not even realise they are doing it. Other tactics are far less subtle and cross a clear ethical line.
It could be nutritionists, healers, coaches, influencers or any type of alternative health or wellness practitioner. It might be a business selling products like supplements or cycle tracking tests. The fertility clinics themselves are also guilty of using loose evidence to market the success rates of different interventions.
Guilt, blame, false hope and emotional manipulation are really at the bedrock of the questionable tactics I am talking about, exploiting the intense emotional, psychological and financial vulnerability of people trying to conceive.
People on this path, which I was for quite a long time, are longing to have a family and it seems that everyone around you is building their own so easily. You are walking a life experience that has been evidenced to have the same impact on a person’s mental health as having cancer, and is completely misunderstood and not recognised by the world we walk through every day. I’ve said this before in one of my previous articles on the patient experience of IVF clinics, infertility and childlessness is one of the biggest areas of human empathy failure, according to research by Brene Brown.
It is exhausting, misunderstood and incredibly lonely and isolated. You are grieving, month after month. A month of not falling pregnant and getting your period = grief. A fertility treatment cycle that did not work = grief. Embryos not making it = grief. A cancelled cycle = grief. Miscarriage, no matter how early = grief.
Enter service provider or business with questionable marketing tactics promising their method, tool, program, service or product is THE thing that will get you out of this ongoing cycle of hope, pain, isolation and grief. OF COURSE you are going to listen. This type of promise or even suggestion is predatory. You don’t realise how vulnerable you are and are not in a space to recognise the predatory nature of what they are doing. These types of tactics or claims are so common in fertility wellness land, but that doesn’t make them ok.
As someone diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’ at 31, and then again at 37, I was particularly vulnerable to these types of claims I heard on the internet. They promise answers and solutions that the medical world couldn’t.
I’ve also got a bachelor’s degree in marketing, and have spent 17 years working in marketing and business. When I was in the throes of the grief and hope cycle, some of these claims just didn’t sit right with me, but it’s only now being out the other side of all of this (without a baby, but still thriving) that I can look back and interrogate from a rational, balanced place, and see just how problematic they are
Let’s unpack a few.
Guilt and self blame
This might look something like this:
“ You need to rewire your negative thought patterns that are keeping you stuck”
“Your stress is stopping you from getting pregnant”
Often followed by the promotion of coaching or programs that claim to increase your chances of falling pregnant. Research (yes proper medical research!) has proven that stress, anxiety and depressive symptoms do not correlate with poorer fertility treatment outcomes.
I find this tactic just so distasteful as it puts the burden of not conceiving on women, making them feel emotionally responsible. It adds to the mental load and emotional distress already being carried and I would argue actually creates more shame, overwhelm and stress.
Keeping your nervous system in check and feeling mentally and emotionally healthy is particularly important for anyone trying to conceive, or undergoing IVF or other treatment. Not because it means you won’t get pregnant otherwise, but because this shit is really bleepin’ hard! You need your marbles to be in order, because you are going to need them for the inevitable spills and wobbles that come with navigating this journey.
False hope and emotional manipulation
These types of claims might sound something like:
“Are you ready to finally achieve your dream of becoming a mum to a beautiful healthy baby"?”
“Make your 2025 baby resolutions come true with (insert product name)”
OMG, a landmine. Using the word"finally" suggests there's been a struggle, and that the product or service is the key to unlocking parenthood. Call me an idealist, but I simply don’t understand how anyone could be comfortable making that kind of a promise. Fertility is complex, and there are so many factors at play. To suggest that a single product, service or program can fulfil your dreams of becoming a parent sets unrealistic expectations and can be incredibly hurtful to people experiencing infertility.
Infertility is a medical condition which could be caused by a huge range of different conditions or factors, either known or unknown. Following a fertility cleanse, or using the latest and greatest tracking test is not going to cure endometriosis, blocked tubes, a depleted ovarian reserve or any manner of things that causes infertility.
Communication that subtly misleads you
Some things are more on the subtle side, but still worth a discussion around. I was seeing a natural fertility expert for several months before undergoing several IVF cycles. I am a fit and healthy person and was taking the suggested supplements by our specialists, eating well, not drinking, but I wanted some extra guidance to make sure I was doing everything in my control before investing thousands in IVF. Sounds sensible right?
I recall the natural fertility specialist said something along the lines of “Has your clinic told you that for women your age it generally takes about 6 IVF cycles to fall pregnant? But this (following her program) will make it quicker”. I remember at the time thinking ‘Holy shit, 6 cycles!! Why didn’t the clinic tell me this!!’ So they did somewhat align my expectations of how successful IVF actually is, which I am thankful for.
Whilst they they weren’t making any direct promises, they indirectly suggested that by continuing to invest my time and money in seeing them and following the plan, I would fastrack my path to pregnancy - it would make IVF work quicker.
Some of the changes I immediately took to implementing from their plan included purchasing hundreds of dollars worth of additional supplements each month, cutting out gluten (I have no intolerances), stopping higher intensity exercise like running (one of my non negotiable mood boosters), eating animal protein at every meal (I’m mostly vegetarian, which they knew) and giving up my one coffee a day.
A more appropriate and realistic statement and strategy would have been “Several cycles of IVF are generally needed to increase the odds of IVF success for couples your age, but sadly there are no guarantees. However, there are things we can do that may boost those odds, so let’s focus on getting your body as ready as we can, in a way that works for you holistically”
Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as well does it?
I know that even if our treatments had worked and we had ended up with a baby, my feelings on this topic would still be the same. Whilst I’m a gal that has always loved health, well being and am becoming more and more into spiritual ‘woo’, I’m also very much a science gal. If I were sitting here typing this today with a baby asleep in the next room, I would have known that baby’s existence wasn’t a result of me cutting out gluten. I would also know that what works for one person, doesn’t work for everyone.
The fact that our treatments didn’t work simply makes me more compelled to write about it, and raise awareness of how harmful these tactics are.
Any good marketing strategy, or any communications from service providers to fertility patients, should be honest and transparent, not exploitative or loaded with false promises or claims.
Ethical fertility support should empower people with compassionate care and emotional support. Yes absolutely we should be embracing and encouraging evidence based health and wellbeing practises like good nutrition, stress management and looking after how you feel in you mind, body and soul, whatever than means for each person. But without any false guarantees that trivialise and minimise the complexity of infertility and all the factors at play.
It doesn’t help progress the conversation around fertility forward, and it doesn’t help the people experiencing it.
These are just a few of the common types of tactics used to market services and products to people trying to conceive that I recall seeing or experiencing but I’d love to hear about your experiences, or hear what you think in the comments.
Take care,
Katie x
The good stuff
Some of the amazing fertility support people that I turned to included Alice Rose and her Fertility Life Raft community - her gentle, compassionate coaching style focuses on transforming how you feel and experience this chapter of your life, and beyond. Nothing to do with getting you pregnant quicker. I also love The Fertility Mama. Her IG feels like a kind, supportive and understanding hug to those on a fertility journey. Helen Davenport’s IG and Substack The Antidote was, and continues to feel like a wonderful warm hug too. For nutrition support that is holistic and practical, I just love Sophia at Happy Balance Nutrition.
Ooooooft, so much honesty in this. The fertility industry strikes me as grotesquely exploitative.
So much yes - this is a fantastic piece. We need more awareness that building a successful business doesn’t have to rely on predatory marketing tactics and those feeling that they have to use them could be educated and shown that there is a more person centred approach that still works, makes them money and allows them to share their services and help many people - without fear based messaging, false promises or getting so lost in their own goals and belief in their work that they completely lose connection with the layered and painful experience their clients and customers are going through.