Five things I'm loving about turning 40
Why I'm embracing my recent milestone birthday and what I'm celebrating entering the next decade.
Firstly, I have some new subscribers here and I wanted to say welcome, and THANK YOU for being here. I so appreciate you. Here on Afterglow I write about the glow, the satisfaction, the happiness and the delight that can come after. After not getting what you thought you wanted. After learning that your life path will involve ‘otherhood’, and not motherhood. After finding yourself on a path you are not really sure about. I also write about the infertility experience and offer a point of view from someone who left treatment without a rainbow baby. Because there aren’t enough of our stories out there, and they matter.
I turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. 40 is a pretty significant milestone birthday for a woman, especially if you spent the better part of your 30’s trying, unsuccessfully, to have kids. 40 is the age we’re told it’s virtually impossible to have kids after. Yup, our reproductive systems are well and truly packing it in, ready to phone in retirement. From our mid 30’s we’re acutely aware that we’re getting ‘maternally geriatric’ (thanks medical world for that positively inspiring term of phrase) but from 40 our ovaries officially start to shrivel up, so we’re told, like the grapes that don’t get picked and over ripen on the vines. Like those lemons that I’ve had sitting in my fruit bowl for far too long that are looking very sad and unappealing.
Given the pro-natalist, pro-nuclear family messaging we’re fed that wants us to believe that parenthood is the most fulfilling life path to follow (which causes many women acute panic as they reach their mid to late 30’s having not had children) you would think that turning 40 would come with feelings of sadness, disappointment, or failure - having not achieved or ticked off the things that society has conditioned me to think are necessary to live a fulfilling a happy life as a woman in the world. Especially considering I spent thousands and thousands of dollars, and spent years trying to have a child.
But I’m not feeling any of those things. In fact, I reckon I am the happiest and most at peace I have been in several years. I’ve been reflecting on this as I approached my recent birthday, and here is why I think I’m feeling upbeat and anticipatory about the next decade.
1. People stop asking when you’re having kids!
I think 40 marks a societal shift in perception, where the constant questions about when you’re having kids often diminish.
Unlike women in their late 20’s and 30’s, who have to contend with naive but intrusive questions about their pro-creation plans, incredibly painful and difficult questions that remind you of the pain you’re living if you’re going through infertility; assuming people know you’re nearly 40, you tend to get asked this question less and less.
This is definitely contributing to a sense of spaciousness, which is helping to embrace a new phase of life, having left behind the societal pressures to conform to maternal expectations in your 20’s and 30’s.
2. Falling out of the target audience for the fertility industry
I’ve definitely noticed that I’m seeing less and less content from businesses selling products and services promising to get you pregnant quicker.
“Your baby resolutions made real. 84% of users conceived in 6 cycles”. Um ok sure, I’ve lost count of the number of cycles, treatments and science and non science backed interventions I’ve put myself through, but do you offer a money back guarantee?
“Proven strategies and tools for IVF success” Are you willing to put an all expenses paid trip to the Greek Islands on that ‘proven strategy’ if I’m not successful? Lol. No, but seriously, are you?
“Make your next cycle THE ONE” The one what? The one where I smash my 5K pace time? The one where I don’t kill any of my house plants? The one where I smash my work or personal goals?
All jokes aside, stepping away from health for fertility purposes has enabled me to lean into health and wellbeing just because. Because making healthy, smart life choices are good for me. Because taking that fish oil and magnesium each day might just help me feel 1% more vibrant and improve my migraines. Rather than worrying if they are actually improving the quality of my diminished egg supply. The release and freedom that comes from no longer tying those actions and decision to fertility outcomes has been quite wonderful.
3. The freedom that comes with owning my choices and letting go
Turning 40 has solidified my confidence in many of the decisions I’ve made in the previous few decades, especially the decision I made six months ago to remove myself from the IVF lottery and instead focus my energy on creating and building my future - a future that I can own and shape and have a little more certainty around. The alternative choice I faced was continuing to roll the IVF dice, and remain on the roller coaster at a significant financial and emotional cost for very low odds. Six months on, I’m still pretty content with that choice.
4. Shifting priorities
The sense of spaciousness that comes with letting go, owning your choices, and falling out of the ‘is she going to have kids’ bracket, allows more time and energy to focus on personal growth, meaningful relationships, and experiences, rather than striving for societal milestones.
Sure I wanted to have kids and reach those milestones society created for me, and there has been, and continues to be a process of letting go. But with that comes time and space for other things. I’m investing in friendships that I perhaps let drift a little. I’m making plans and considering what I want the next ten years and beyond to look like, and how I want to spend my time and money, knowing that I don’t need to consider supporting a child in my plans.
5. Relationships and connections
As we age we tend to gain a deeper appreciation for the extra special people and connections in our lives - long term friendships and the history shared, family that has stood by, and our significant others. I’ve definitely had so many moments recently where I’ve been filled with gratitude for these relationships.
When you’re putting so much of your energy into building your own family, and failing, that grief and loss can consume you, often bleeding into all aspects of your life. When you’re in that vortex you can become blind to the connections and love you DO already have around you and only see what you’re missing. Stepping away from fertility treatment and making a conscious choice to embrace my life as it is, and for what it can be, has given me space to nourish existing relationships and cultivate new friendships and connections that are aligned with my life and where I want it to go.
Have you recently celebrated a milestone birthday or have one coming up? How are you feeling about it? I’d love to hear from you if any of this resonated with you.
Take care
Katie x
I loved reading this piece Katie! As someone who is turning 40 soon, I feel there is so much hype and build up around this specific birthday. It’s often talked about in a negative way. Whereas it’s a wonderful time for reflection, perhaps realigning ourselves and resetting intentions. Your piece is filled with joy and possibility and made me smile from the inside out x
Such a fantastic piece as always. So refreshing to read your words xx