When IVF doesn't work: A man's story
An honest, raw and vulnerable account of infertility, IVF, and loss from the male perspective.
A note from me, (Katie Dunn), Afterglow owner:
We have a special guest for this edition of Afterglow. Max Pete is a Substack writer exploring community, meaning, and growth in real life. We connected on Substack through the shared experience of IVF that didn’t work.
There are very few honest accounts of what happens after IVF ends without a baby, and even fewer told by men. While IVF understandably centres women’s bodies and experiences, the emotional weight, uncertainty, and grief are carried by both partners. The absence of male voices leaves many men without visible community or stories to recognise themselves in.
What I admire most about Max’s writing is his willingness to speak from a place most avoid, his emotional honesty, and deep empathy for his partner, Celeste. Max’s story is a reflection on loss, partnership, and moving forward when things don’t turn out as hoped.
I’m so grateful to Max for sharing his story here. We need more voices - men and women - speaking openly about infertility journeys without the neat endings, and of what the experience really asks of us.
I hope his words help you feel seen and a little less alone. Please show Max some love in the comments.
Here is Max’s story.
IVF is not for the faint of heart
Disclaimer: This whole piece is from my perspective. Being a male, I didn’t have to go through even close to 1/3 of what Celeste did during this process. I’m writing from my point of view, and experience going through IVF. I haven’t read a lot from the male perspective of going through IVF, so I wanted to share my story in hopes of connecting with others. Also, I want to acknowledge how privileged I am for even having the opportunity to do this.
TW: Multiple losses
The journey begins
I love kids, but I never really pictured myself as a dad. Having grown up in a difficult upbringing with my father, I have a lot of past trauma that I’ve had to unpack in my life. A big fear was that I was going to pass down whatever my dad had in terms of mental health issues, and I didn’t want to do that.
But now that I am in my mid-30s, I finally feel at a place where I could see myself being a dad. The thought excites me, and having a partner who feels similar also reassures me that maybe now is a good time to try to have a kid.
My naive self is thinking, okay this shouldn’t be too hard. We’ll just try for a few months and Celeste should get pregnant. But after a year of trying and not getting that positive pregnancy test, I knew something was off.
Celeste encouraged me to get my sperm checked just in case anything was abnormal, and the whole time, I was thinking, “I’m perfectly healthy; there’s going to be a completely normal count. Everything is going to show that.” But, I was very wrong.
Getting a call from the doctor a few days later felt like a gut punch. Basically, without going into a ton of detail, I have a very low sperm count. Essentially, it’s almost near impossible for me to conceive naturally. It could happen, but highly unlikely.
This news sucked. I was so sure that everything with me would be normal, and receiving news that it was me that was the problem in this process was super disheartening.
My doctor recommended that we see a fertility specialist to do more testing and to consult about IVF. Up until this point, I had heard about IVF but all I knew was that it was expensive and not much else.
The process starts
We meet with a fertility specialist and it’s recommended to do IVF. Now at the time, I was working at a small start-up and would have to pay for everything out of pocket.
Costs vary a ton by treatment and doctors, but the range that we’re told was around $20,000 - $30,000 per round.
This is a lot of money to have to pay out of pocket and was starting to stress me out. However, I didn’t have a ton of time to think about this because a few days later after our initial consultation, I got news from the startup that I was working at that I was being laid off.
Goodbye, steady income and insurance. As much as it hurt, we had to put exploring IVF on hold for the time being.
Setbacks and determination
The whole start and stop process of IVF was another gut punch. Even though I was nervous about the cost, it was exciting being able to explore this with Celeste. Then getting laid off, it felt like we had to put our dreams on hold a bit. Uncertainty drove my anxiety through the roof and I was struggling a bit.
If you know me, you probably know that I am a routine type of guy. I love my routines, I love my schedule, and I love knowing what I am doing that day. Having all of that ripped out from under me while also dealing with the emotions of IVF was a double whammy.
The next few months, I put my focus into overdrive in finding a job. I lined up 4-5 calls a day with other Community friends, applied to roles, asked for referrals, and created content that I could use to showcase my knowledge. I made my job search a full-time position.
Very fortunately and with a bit of luck, I was able to land a new role where I’m at today. This was a dream role of mine and a dream company. I’m very lucky to have landed this and even more lucky to find out that I can get fertility benefits through my insurance which will help cover two full rounds of IVF.
Back at it
Honestly, the feeling that I got was a mix of relief and pure excitement that I was able to continue my career in Community and also have support to pursue IVF where it wouldn’t put such a financial strain on us.
A couple of months into the job, Celeste and I contacted our insurance and got set up with a new IVF consultation with a new doctor. We were so excited.
This was in February 2024, and while we had some experience with our first IVF doctor consultation, we weren’t super sure what to expect.
During the consultation, we were grateful to be connected with such an amazing doctor who really believed in us having a kid. They felt super confident, and that helped our spirits a lot.
We then started the process of more testing before getting the process started. Fortunately, right after we got cleared after testing, we were able to start the process of IVF - which meant that Celeste was going to have to be on medication for roughly 3-4 weeks. I was also taking 8 or so vitamins a day which were recommended to help my count.
Again, my naive brain is thinking, okay, cool, so a few weeks of medication, it should be pretty simple, right? Wrong. Introducing new medicine to your body can really throw your whole mood and energy for a loop. Celeste was noticeably more agitated, had mood swings, and overall didn’t feel like herself.
And to make matters worse, one night in March, our 13-year-old dog Hoagie passed away in her sleep. To say that this period was rough is a major understatement
Trust the process
But, Celeste is such a tough person. She navigated dealing with new medication, the loss of Hoagie, and running her two businesses like a champ. I’ve told her this multiple times that she is one of the strongest people I know. Her determination and perseverance is inspiring.
All of this is leading up to the injection period of IVF. This tends to happen roughly 2 weeks before you go into your egg retrieval. It’s one of the most important steps in IVF and also one of the scariest (at least for me, I’m not a fan of needles).
And again, Celeste handles this with such grace. She does the injections herself (I offered to help, but I think she was not super confident in me administering them which is fair), and made almost daily trips to the IVF clinic for routine blood work and ultrasounds to make sure that everything was running smoothly.
A bundle of nerves
At this point, it’s around the beginning of April 2024 and things are chugging along. The daily injections are hard. There are still a ton of side effects from the medication, but we’re getting closer to the retrieval period.
A few weeks later, we go to the clinic for our retrieval, and we’re just a bundle of nerves. This step can be the make-or-break for the whole process. Either we get enough quality eggs to pass testing, or we don’t and have to start over.
A big part of this relies on me, too, because I have to give a live sample the day of. There is so much pressure and so much exact timing for everything that I felt anxious the whole time.
Fortunately, the egg retrieval was a success. They were able to get enough eggs. However, as we were driving home, I got a call from the clinic asking if I could come back to give another sample. Unfortunately, my sample didn’t produce enough sperm and they needed me to do another.
Panic. Anxiety. F@#k.
Mind you, at this point, Celeste is still a bit loopy from the procedure, so I have to turn around, speed back to the clinic, and try and make this work. While the whole time I am thinking “damn it, I blew it. This whole thing is going to be ruined because of me. F@#k!!”
Luckily, and I still am in a bit of shock, my next sample was good, and they were able to get what they needed.
Now the waiting game.
The waiting game
The thing that they don’t warn you about in IVF is how hard it is to wait for news. I also hate waiting in general and drive Celeste crazy with my inpatient self.
We now had to wait for day 1, day 3, and day 5 updates. Essentially, these are updates that let us know how many eggs were fertilized and made it to what they called the blastocyst stage, which then could be sent for genetic testing.
The waiting sucked, but we got good news throughout all of these updates that our eggs fertilized and progressed each day. We had some drop-off, but the majority survived and could be sent for testing. This was such a win and felt like such an accomplishment. One step closer to being a parent.
A little break
After this whole process, Celeste was able to take a short break from her medications until she had to start again for the transfer. Now, I am only speaking from my own perspective, but I was more thrilled about this break than anything else.
Up until this point, it was 3+ months of daily meds, and I was excited that she could hit pause a bit. She starts to feel like herself again. We were also both feeling very optimistic because even though this process has been hard, we were fortunate enough to make it this far.
A couple of weeks pass, and we get a call from the doctor that we’re ready for the transfer. More meds, more shots, but excitement nonetheless.
Transfer day
On the day of the transfer, we were very emotional and just so happy. For the first time, it hit me that this was real and happening. I was hit with a wave of emotions, some good and some anxiety-inducing, but I was beyond happy to be there.
The transfer procedure was much smoother and quicker than the retrieval. We were told to come back in 11 days for a blood test to confirm whether we were pregnant. Driving home, we both felt so excited.
I remember even saying “We’re now driving home with the three of us.”
Again, being told the waiting period was going to suck. But me being my optimistic self, I was already counting myself as a dad and that it would all work out.
More waiting
This two-week wait period was not great. It bothered us, so we decided to test early with home testing. We then saw a very faint line, which brought so much hope, but it never got darker the more we tested.
I still felt optimistic about it, but Celeste was starting to feel defeated. During the two-week wait, we tested almost every day, which caused us a lot of stress and worry.
By the time we went in for the actual blood test, both of us were ready to admit defeat. We expected this to work out so smoothly but weren’t optimistic anymore.
Later that day we got confirmation that the transfer worked but that we experienced a chemical pregnancy (miscarriage).
Heartbreak.
Sad but optimistic
All of this build-up, all of this excitement, all of these emotions just hit a brick wall. It felt so unfair, like we were being punished. We went through all of this, doing all of the right things, and then it still didn’t work out.
We were down but not out. With the number of eggs we were able to attain and which made it to blastocyst, we knew we had more opportunities.
But for now, we needed a little breather.
Pause
While we both were still emotionally involved in this process, this little breather period was very much needed. We’ve spent months and months focused on it, and we’ve put our lives on hold a bit.
We saw friends again, had a beer (or two), and relaxed without thinking about the next appointment.
This period was nice, and we both decided to try this again. If it works, great. If not, we’ll take a break and see if we want to revisit it in the future. While we both could see ourselves as parents, we didn’t want this process to ruin what we had. If kids weren’t in the picture for us, then that was okay. Our happiness was the main focus and worth saving.
Transfer day part two
Now, in transfer period #2, a lot of this seems more comfortable. Having just gone through this a month prior, we knew what to expect. We knew the medication and shot schedule, the appointments, and what transfer day would look like.
However, one thing we’re doing differently this time is no more aggressively testing and worrying. We’re going to continue to live our lives and just see what happens. A lot of this is out of our control and instead of letting it take over our daily thoughts, we’re going to reclaim our power.
More waiting
We did transfer number 2 in mid-July 2024 and were feeling optimistic about it. We decided to take a different approach during this two-week wait period. Instead of constantly obsessing over symptoms or potential signs, we’d just focus on our lives. We also weren’t planning on testing a lot. We thought that once we get close to beta towards the end of the two-week wait, we could just test and see.
So we waited. It was a little bit easier (from my perspective) this time because we knew what to expect. We just went through this a month prior so all of it was still fresh.
We also did a great job of not testing until a few days before. The Saturday before our beta, we decided to test at home. Nervous was an understatement, but we just wanted to know.
To our surprise, we saw a faint line—our darkest one yet! We were excited and felt pretty good about this result.
The next day, we tested again at home to see if there was any progression in the line darkness, and it was reading about the same. We thought to ourselves, “okay this is fine, at least it isn’t getting lighter like it did last time.”
On Monday, we did one more final test at home before going to the doctor’s on Tuesday for their test. The result was the same: a thin, faint line, but nothing really progressed. At this point, we both got a bit nervous and just remembered our last round with this exact thing happening.
We talked about it a lot, cried, and just ultimately prepped for not the news we wanted for when we went to the doctor to test. We didn’t want to get our hopes up again, but we still believed there was a small chance.
Not the fairy tale ending (for now)
To keep it brief, we found news similar to round one. While the transfer worked, we experienced another miscarriage. To be honest, as much as this sucked and was devastating to hear again, there was some peace with it. Because for now, we knew that we were taking a break from this process.
We talked from the beginning that we wouldn’t push ourselves too hard for this. Our marriage and happiness were more important than suffering through multiple rounds and pushing our physical and mental health to the extreme. For the past 6 months, we have been knee-deep in our IVF journey and are exhausted.
So for now, we decided to re-shift our focus on us and our marriage. We spent time living life again, and not always worrying about the next appointment. We focused on bringing some more joy into our lives and we did just that.
When and if it feels right to continue our journey, we’ll decide what to do next. But for the time being, we’re taking a much-needed pause.
Giving it another go
We really needed this break. We traveled to see family, spent time with just us, and put our minds on other things to focus on. We’re in a much better headspace and feel a lot better both physically and mentally.
So after a few months of pausing, we’re back for one more round. We have two viable embryos left and have decided to transfer both embryos this round, hoping we have a higher chance of one sticking.
We also switched up our protocol to be more natural instead of the medication that we used in the first two rounds. Because of this process, Celeste is feeling much better and less shifts in hormones.
We did the 3rd transfer on November 15th and waiting to see what happens this round.
LFG!!!
The two-week wait is tough without testing, so we started testing a few days after the transfer. To our surprise, we got our first distinct positives!!
So, while we still have some testing to do and some weeks to go, we are feeling optimistic, and it feels good!
First Beta done
We did our first beta blood test and had a goal of getting 100 HCG levels which would indicate that we’re at a healthy rate. We got our first score at 68 which is a bit lower than we wanted, but the nurses were optimistic and have seen healthy births with these numbers initially.
Our next step is to take another beta test two days after our first to see if we’re progressing as they want us to. I’m definitely nervous, but I’m still optimistic because we’re testing at home and still seeing progress.
A funny story, I went into CVS to purchase some more pregnancy tests so that we could continue to test at home. The cashier, an older lady, mentioned that I would be a cute and good daddy, so I am taking that energy because I need it!
Second Beta done
The whole morning, I was nervous and anxious, even though I was trying to stay optimistic because I felt that there was a good chance we would hit our numbers. Guess what? We did!! We got 123 HCG on our second beta, which was an 80% increase! We definitely felt like jumping up and down when we heard the good update.
Our next milestone is to return for our third beta in two more days to see if this is continuing to progress as it has. I’m still nervous, but I’m also feeling more optimistic.
Third Beta done
Even if this is our third time going back for our beta test this week, you definitely don’t feel any less worried. We had our test and were feeling anxious so we went out for a walk around the neighborhood to get some fresh air and wait for the news. While we were feeling confident overall, we were still a bit nervous.
The good news is that we are three for three with our beta tests! Our third one was 230 HCG, an 87% increase from our second. So far, our baby is growing at a great rate.
We’re scheduled for our first ultrasound in just under two weeks, which marks our sixth week and a few days of pregnancy. I’m still nervous about it, but I’m hopeful and optimistic, too!
6 Week Ultrasound
The almost two-week wait from our third beta to our ultrasound felt like it took forever and left us feeling anxious. But we tried our best to stay positive and focused instead of spiraling online.
We went into the ultrasound feeling optimistic and had a good feeling about all of this. Celeste was continuing to have symptoms, and we were testing at home, which kept showing darker and darker results.
But when we did the ultrasound, we got some not-great news. Essentially, they could see the yolk and digestion sack but not the fetal pole, and our doctor mentioned that we might be a week or so behind where we thought we were. They told us to come back in a week for another ultrasound, but based on their findings, we should guard our hearts.
There’s still a chance of this being viable and working out, but the odds are against us. So now, more waiting and learning to come to grips with the fact that this might end in another miscarriage.
Unfortunately another heartbreak
Welp, a lot of build-up, but we got the news that, unfortunately, we had another miscarriage. This one stung a little bit more because, for the first time, we really felt like we had a great chance. Things were looking good and then you get the wind kicked out of you.
This also meant that we used our last remaining viable embryos and currently don’t have any more chances with this round of IVF. All we can do is continue to take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I’m still grateful for the opportunity to go through IVF, especially without having to shell out a lot of money because of my work benefits, but now it’s time for a true pause.
In the end, we both entered this process knowing that it might not work out, but we were going to be okay regardless. What is meant to be will be, and I believe that.
Appreciate you all for the support, love, and genuine care.
With love,
Max
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